I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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