Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
