you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
