Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
