I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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