Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
