I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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