yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
