Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
