we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
