I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
