Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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