I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
