there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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