"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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