I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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