Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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