So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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