dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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