also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
