Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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