Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
