I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Do vagina's smell?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
