when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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