I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Drunk is not a location!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
