dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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