Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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