if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
