If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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