I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Randomize
