He asked me if I "almost moaned"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
