nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
