the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
