She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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