I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
