just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
