I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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