what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Randomize
