The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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