just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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