I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
