I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Sorry about my life...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
