I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
