Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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