Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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