i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
