We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
