Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
