There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
