I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
