Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
