I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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